Not sure what happened to my inspiration, it abandoned me on New Year’s Eve. It has been gone for several weeks, as if it has been hibernating, taking some time off. It is grand though, it is what it is. We so often do try to push things rather than going with the flow. Luckily, it seems to be around again, somehow at least, despite the gusts of freezing cold wind outside. May the title of my new blog sound a bit depressing; it surely matches the bitter winter embracing us at the moment. Needless to say, there will be plenty of positive twists.
Another difficult topic to openly write about but at the end of the day, it is part of who I am, of my uniqueness. One of those old gremlins of mine which I am still learning to live with. It has been around for so long that one would think I should be well used to hanging out with him. On the contrary, I am still struggling to cope with. It is powerful, as if it could not be defeated. Definitely one of those you would rarely welcome in for a cup of tea, not even on a cold winter evening. Years go by and there he still is, determined to pay me a visit as he pleases, obviously without notice.
Loneliness turns up unexpectedly. It hits me by surprise with the strength of a devastating tsunami. Untimely disappointing, unpredictably inconvenient, unannouncedly inopportune, out of the blue, there he goes. The coldness of solitude embraces me, the darkness of isolation imprisons me, the bewilderment of incomprehension takes over me. Tears roll down my face completely out of control. Although I do not want to be alone, no one can see me like this. Tears roll down my face unstoppably out of command. Despite desperately needing a hug, nobody can trespass my barriers. Tears roll down my face, uncontrollably out of reach. In spite of requiring the warmth of a chat, I am too embarrassed to talk. Tears roll down my face, I am in a place called loneliness.
There was a time when I desperately wanted to be capable of annihilating this old gremlin of mine. Life taught me a great lesson: he was here to stay! I have now somehow managed to educate myself in how to live with him. One cannot swim against the stream for too long. When on trouble waters you’d better off just staying as safe as possible so you do not drain your energy. Hold fast, keep swimming close to the shore, do not stop breathing. Remain calm, do not let your fears betray you, make sure panic does not conquer your mind. Stay positive, have faith, do not give up. At some point you will reach calmer waters. Whenever aloneness shows up, I avoid the old battle approach. I simply let it be to let it go.
Rather than hating myself for not being able to get rid of this horrendous, upsetting and overwhelming dark side of mine; in lieu of loathing myself for not having enough strength to avoid the unforeseen storm; instead of strongly disliking myself for surrendering to the depths of solitude… I choose to accept that this gloomy me is who I am. I do sometimes go to a place called loneliness but there is nothing wrong with it. Every now and then, I do give in to feeling miserable and misunderstood but it is ok to do so. Once in a while, I let myself down and cry a river but it is fine!
Tears roll down my face, I am in a place called loneliness… I hug myself while whispering that I will be ok… I just need to hold on, the storm will soon be over… I then smile!
Jay Cee Moon ©